Make sure your kids don’t get double sprouts – planning Christmas across two households
Christmas is traditionally seen as a time for families. But parents know only too well, it can bring plenty of challenges too – there is always so much to do, and there can be stresses and strains as you try to ensure that your children have a great time.
For divorced and separated parents, Christmas can require particularly careful planning. After all, how many children like brussel sprouts, let alone facing the dreaded “greens” twice, and possibly on the same day!
More seriously, Mum, Dad and the children can find themselves feeling confused, disappointed and frustrated during the festive season.
Christmas across two separate households, and between extended family on both sides, can be very difficult for children and for their parents too. But with a bit of planning and willingness to compromise, separated parents can go a long way to ensuring that their family still has a merry Christmas. The main thing to remember is that you are both still parents – and putting the children’s needs first is essential for their well-being and happiness.
The first Christmas apart can be especially difficult. The emotional pain of the split may still be strong, and even if this is not the case Christmas can bring unfamiliar expectations, pressures and decisions. Understandably, both parents will want to be with their children. But, separate homes with perhaps additional travel time in-between, visiting extended family, etc. can all make splitting Christmas and Boxing Day a real headache. It is important to remember though, that arguing can be very damaging to the children.
Here are my top 10 Christmas tips:
1. Put your children’s needs and feelings first. Discuss arrangements with the other parent and try to share both the pleasure and the responsibilities.
2. Plan early. Leaving arrangements to the last minute can make discussions much more difficult. Agree the plans, and keep the children informed about them. Agree how handover times will work as these can be particularly difficult.
3. Think long-term and stay flexible. You may want to be with the kids on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Sometimes it’s not practical to split the time for a variety of reasons including, travel distance and, visiting relatives, etc. Bundling children into a car on Christmas Day when all they want to do is play with their new toys and eat the chocolate off the tree, may not be the best way to start a happy day. It may be fairer and easier on your children - to agree to alternate which household the children spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day in, from one year to the next.
4. Don’t ask your kids to choose between Mum and Dad. This puts them in an impossible and unfair position. Difficult decisions should be taken by adults.
5. Let the children know that even though things will be different, Christmas can still be special. Work together with your children to create new Christmas traditions in each home.
6. Take the children to visit family and friends. Christmas can be a good time to strengthen the children’s important relationships with relatives like grandparents or cousins. This also helps provide some stability for children when their lives are changing.
7. Don’t over-do things. Sometimes separated parents can feel guilty which leads to them over-compensating by doing too much. This can overwhelm children and leave them feeling exhausted and stressed.
8. Don’t compete with your ex over presents for the children. Instead, discuss what presents to buy so that you don’t duplicate. Consider whether it would be helpful to continue the tradition of a joint present from both of you; and allow your children to decide where they will keep their gifts.
9. Help your children make or buy gifts for their other parent. Children need to experience the joy of giving. This also lets them know that you support their relationship with the other parent.
10. Compromise and be positive. If you don’t get exactly what you want, be gracious about it for the children’s sake, as well as your own. Holding grudges, is a negative emotion that will stay with you for a long while. It may well end up colouring your better judgement on other issues. You can always try a different arrangement next Christmas; and if you are spending Christmas without the kids, use the time positively – make plans with close friends and family members or take time to do something special for yourself.
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| Peter Berry Family and Collaborative Lawyer |
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